Learning to paint was such an eye-opening experience! I thought that I’d be so free and unencumbered, like an inspired artist in the flow simply emoting through the medium. I pictured myself in a black beret, in a big studio throwing paint around energetically. Or, like in the movies and t.v. shows, dancing around in a studio with big windows to cool music just grooving on my creative vibe. So fun! So free! Letting my wild inner self speak through the brushes!
Now for a wee dose of reality: I stared at that blank canvas for ages, totally unsure of how to start. I felt inadequate and insecure, and my first paintings were terrible. I had no skill set and no experience except for the art that I had done in elementary school. What did I want to make? What did I want to say through my work? I would hold the paintbrush above the canvas, frozen and unsure of where to begin. A barrage of questions pinballed around in my brain…Where should I start? What brush should I use? What color? Should I paint something abstract, or maybe a landscape?
I’ve gone to galleries for much of my adult life, and I loved looking at art. I knew what I liked, but I didn’t know what or how to paint. In my first few paintings, I tried to emulate a modern painting style that I admired – very geometric and simplistic. These were a complete bomb. So, to improve, I watched a few tutorials about acrylic painting, but I still didn’t know what I was doing. I’d always figured I’d just be really good at painting right away because I wanted to be.
In order to progress, I had to come to terms with the fact that I was a complete novice. I decided to have zero expectations. I had to distance myself from the desire for a particular outcome, and I also accepted that my paintings might suck for a while.
In The Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron wrote, “In order to recover as an artist, you must be willing to be a bad artist. Give yourself permission to be a beginner.”
And then, I just started to paint without thinking. I turned off my brain and simply started. I would paint some lines, some other lines, some shapes, some colors, some dots…whatever I intuitively felt like doing. I tried varying sizes of brushes and whatever colors inspired me in the moment.
Suddenly something shifted. I embraced being a beginner. I was ok with the realization that my paintings might be shitty for a while. I let go of my expectations, and I noticed a few things right away:
• I was completely present in the moment.
• It was meditative and relaxing.
• Whatever I was doing was ok, and I didn’t have to worry about making “mistakes.”
• I had to take a leap of faith each time that I painted – I had to simply let go and do the work.
• I felt like a little kid again- free and unencumbered.
• It was exciting because I never really knew what was going to be unveiled.
Each time I painted I had to step into the unknown. I had to take a leap of faith and simply let go and do the work. I began listening to each painting, and I allowed them to communicate with me as though each had its own personality and spirit. I would sense a painting stop at different points, and then I’d back off, look at it with squinty eyes, turn the canvas, close one eye, go closer, leave it for a while and come back. There are some paintings that I started months ago that I haven’t come back to. I’m getting perspective on them, and at some point, I’ll decide to add to what’s there or to paint over something, or change something else.
I wasn’t sure what to think of my paintings. I couldn’t tell if I even liked some of them, but I reminded myself that I wasn’t painting for a gallery. I didn’t have to be awesome. That was the magical part – when I allowed myself to simply open up and to express painting became a beautiful and liberating experience. Don’t get me wrong, there were moments of frustration when I really didn’t feel like the painting was working or looking great. For one of my first paintings (one of my favorites), I ended up throwing a bunch of watery green paint on it, as I wasn’t happy with how it was turning out. I’d basically given up on making it look like something, and in annoyance, I threw it on the floor and dumped the paint on it. Honestly, at this point, I didn’t care because I had assumed that I would probably end up just throwing it in the garbage. Magically, it was the addition of the green paint at the end that made it look fantastic!
This process of creating and trusting was really beneficial for me. It took me from being mostly a product person into more of a process-oriented person. When was the last time you did something without any expectations?
Creative Transcendence 