Exploration

Learning to paint was such an eye-opening experience! I thought that I’d be so free and unencumbered, like an inspired artist in the flow simply emoting through the medium. I pictured myself in a black beret, in a big studio throwing paint around energetically. Or, like in the movies and t.v. shows, dancing around in a studio with big windows to cool music just grooving on my creative vibe. So fun! So free! Letting my wild inner self speak through the brushes!

Now for a wee dose of reality: I stared at that blank canvas for ages, totally unsure of how to start. I felt inadequate and insecure, and my first paintings were terrible. I had no skill set and no experience except for the art that I had done in elementary school. What did I want to make? What did I want to say through my work? I would hold the paintbrush above the canvas, frozen and unsure of where to begin. A barrage of questions pinballed around in my brain…Where should I start? What brush should I use? What color? Should I paint something abstract, or maybe a landscape?

I’ve gone to galleries for much of my adult life, and I loved looking at art. I knew what I liked, but I didn’t know what or how to paint. In my first few paintings, I tried to emulate a modern painting style that I admired – very geometric and simplistic. These were a complete bomb. So, to improve, I watched a few tutorials about acrylic painting, but I still didn’t know what I was doing. I’d always figured I’d just be really good at painting right away because I wanted to be.

In order to progress, I had to come to terms with the fact that I was a complete novice. I decided to have zero expectations. I had to distance myself from the desire for a particular outcome, and I also accepted that my paintings might suck for a while.

In The Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron wrote, “In order to recover as an artist, you must be willing to be a bad artist. Give yourself permission to be a beginner.”

And then, I just started to paint without thinking. I turned off my brain and simply started. I would paint some lines, some other lines, some shapes, some colors, some dots…whatever I intuitively felt like doing. I tried varying sizes of brushes and whatever colors inspired me in the moment.

Suddenly something shifted. I embraced being a beginner. I was ok with the realization that my paintings might be shitty for a while. I let go of my expectations, and I noticed a few things right away:

• I was completely present in the moment.

• It was meditative and relaxing.

• Whatever I was doing was ok, and I didn’t have to worry about making “mistakes.”

• I had to take a leap of faith each time that I painted – I had to simply let go and do the work.

• I felt like a little kid again- free and unencumbered.

• It was exciting because I never really knew what was going to be unveiled.

Each time I painted I had to step into the unknown. I had to take a leap of faith and simply let go and do the work. I began listening to each painting, and I allowed them to communicate with me as though each had its own personality and spirit. I would sense a painting stop at different points, and then I’d back off, look at it with squinty eyes, turn the canvas, close one eye, go closer, leave it for a while and come back. There are some paintings that I started months ago that I haven’t come back to. I’m getting perspective on them, and at some point, I’ll decide to add to what’s there or to paint over something, or change something else.

I wasn’t sure what to think of my paintings. I couldn’t tell if I even liked some of them, but I reminded myself that I wasn’t painting for a gallery. I didn’t have to be awesome. That was the magical part – when I allowed myself to simply open up and to express painting became a beautiful and liberating experience. Don’t get me wrong, there were moments of frustration when I really didn’t feel like the painting was working or looking great. For one of my first paintings (one of my favorites), I ended up throwing a bunch of watery green paint on it, as I wasn’t happy with how it was turning out. I’d basically given up on making it look like something, and in annoyance, I threw it on the floor and dumped the paint on it. Honestly, at this point, I didn’t care because I had assumed that I would probably end up just throwing it in the garbage. Magically, it was the addition of the green paint at the end that made it look fantastic!

This process of creating and trusting was really beneficial for me. It took me from being mostly a product person into more of a process-oriented person. When was the last time you did something without any expectations?

Hit The Road

I have two kids, and ever since they were little I’ve told them that as soon as they turn 18 they are out of the house! Like, “there’s the door, what’s your hurry” kind of out. I joked that they’d get a suitcase and a kick in the ass for a grad gift. I figured that, like me, they would want to stretch their wings and soar into the great blue yonder as soon as they could.

I, personally, couldn’t wait to leave Red Deer (where I grew up). Not that Red Deer in and of itself was a terrible place. I simply longed for the big city with all of its shiny newness and unlimited opportunities for exploration!

I idealized the metropolis, where everything was bigger, better, brighter, faster and more interesting. I dreamed of living in a bustling place there were endless possibilities of things to do, people to meet and places to visit. I wanted to linger in cafés, stroll thoughtfully through art galleries and admire the varied and interesting architecture.

As soon as high school was over I broke out of my shackles and fled to greener pastures. I believed that moving someplace else would also help me to escape the persona that I had created throughout high school. I no longer wanted to be the brainy (yet quirky) jock. I wanted to wear black and be the philosophical, artistic, poetry reading, espresso-drinking version of myself. I was an au pair in France before moving to Calgary and eventually Montreal.

When ZuZu graduated, Stefan and I (it was actually his idea) decided to give her a trip anywhere in the world as a gift (just not round-trip, but we didn’t tell her that – just kidding!). Both of us know how valuable it is to travel and see the world, and we wanted to encourage her to go off on her own. She chose to head down south to a warmer climate, and she spent the year in Australia (with side trips to New Zealand and Bali). Now she’s back living at home for a bit to save up some green before heading to her next to-be-determined destination.

My son Gabriel graduates in a few months and plans to attend the University of Alberta on a football scholarship. Most likely at this time next year it will only be Stefan and I in this big ol’ house. It’s gonna be weird.

Over the years I’d thought about what life would be like once my kids had left home. I had visions of myself learning how to do Ikebana, turning one of their rooms into a sauna and going to unlimited yoga classes. I figured I’d be drowning in free time since I wouldn’t have to clean up after kids anymore. I wouldn’t have to consider their food preferences when making dinner plans. Life would be so beautiful and so simple.

But, now that it is almost time for both of my kids to leave the nest, I feel a bit differently. I spend as much time with them as I can, I hug them more and I do my best to remember these moments. I was always in such a rush for them to grow up and now I kind of wish that time would slow down just a little bit. I know now that I’d better make the most of this time while I have it, and that I’m really going to miss having them around.