The Gift of my Heart

The other day something miraculous and out-of-this-world beautiful happened to me. I want to share this profound experience with you, as it was a life-changing and extraordinary moment.

As some of you may know, I’m currently experiencing the final stages of kidney failure, and I’m waiting patiently for a kidney. Ok, some days I’m not that patient, but overall I think I’m doing pretty well. I don’t say this to garner sympathy or to go into a “woe is me” tirade. I’m simply stating what is happening in my life, and yes, it is affecting everything. Yes, it is a big deal. My kids and my husband have been dealing with zombie mom for the last while, and it’s gotten waaaaay worse over the last few months. I’m in bed much of the day, and I can say, with definite confidence, that I have recently beaten my previous marathon naptime record. I’ve been utterly exhausted – like a battery on its last legs. My “get up and go” has definitely “gone up and went.”

Being an optimistic and positive person, I’ve been keeping my mental state pretty upbeat (all things considered). I’ve accepted the fact (to the best of my ability) that I need to nap almost all day…every day.

Do I love experiencing this stage of life? Although I’ve been fortunate to have more time to spend with my children (before they move out – they are going to move out someday, right?) I’d say the cons are outweighing the pros at this point. I struggle against what my body wants and needs. I get frustrated with my limitations, and my incessant need to rest. I even have moments of feeling really angry with my body for not being able to keep up with everything that I want to do. I’m only 47, and I’m not ready to feel like I have one foot in the grave.

Desperately tired and drained, I went to acupuncture the other day in an attempt to relieve my constant headaches and back pain. I also hoped that it would, in some way, help me with my complete lack of energy. Laying on the table, I reflected on something that photographer and joy researcher Jesh de Rox said during an interview on my favorite podcast, The Creativity Habit, with Daphne Cohn. He had spoken about getting to know his body by talking to his heart.

So I decided to do exactly that. I said hello to my heart. It said nothing. I simply waited. I then asked how it was doing, and I waited again…for a response…a message, an image, a vision, a feeling…whatever.

The most amazing thing happened. I saw a picture of my heart, wrapped in a package with golden wrapping paper and a big red bow, stuck in a wooden crate. As though I was connecting with how my heart felt, I could sense that it was not unhappy in the gilded package in the crate. It liked being able to see through the slots between the wood pieces, and it felt cared for in the fancy “emballage.”

When that vision started to fade, I asked my heart what I could do for it. It took a moment, but then it showed me that it wanted to come out of the crate and that it wanted to be unwrapped. I visualized lifting the parcel out of the container, pulling the straight end of the red satin bow and opening up the delicate golden paper.

As soon as I began to pull at the paper, the brightest, most intense, golden light shot out from inside the package. Suddenly my entire being was flooded with this sublime golden light, with its warmth and love and strength. And, as I looked closer, at what was radiating this extraordinary light, I noticed my heart, made of a translucent diamond-like material (but it was soft) that was made of intensely bright and highly vibrational white light, and it was pulsating. I can still feel it right now, the incredible life and Divine “being-ness” that my heart possesses.

I got the message that although I valued and loved my heart, I’ve been keeping it locked up and imprisoned in the crate. Yes, I was keeping my heart safe in the crate, but I was also distancing myself from it and not allowing it to breathe and share its love and power. To really feel alive, I need to open it up and let its light shine out.

I felt immediately different. I left my treatment feeling awake, alive, and re-connected to a larger spark of Divinity. Interestingly enough, I did not nap at all that day or the next day! I feel reborn, as though my heart has given me a new beginning because I reached out and connected to it in a deep and authentic way.

What would your heart say to you? I will meet with my heart again, and speak with it, and hold it, and thank it. But mostly, I will listen.

Krazy for Kundalini

Kundalini yoga changed my life. For those of you who have never tried it, don’t expect it to be anything like a regular yoga class. You don’t have to be super bendy to do Kundalini yoga. You don’t have to be able to do headstands or handstands (oh I am so not skilled at inversions) or memorize the Sanskrit names of poses (Chaturanga Dandasana anyone?). You can be any age and have never gone to any other yoga class in your life, and you will be able to do Kundalini yoga. It meets you where you are at.

When I’m asked to describe Kundalini yoga I say it is a spiritual practice of energy management with chanting.

Ok, whoa?! Did you say chanting? Most people are really thrown off by the idea of chanting mantras, but it is one of the things I love the most about Kundalini. The mantras are beautiful and powerful expressions of sound current that facilitate the movement of energy flow in the body. The mantras connect us to something higher than ourselves and help us to expand and exercise our whole ten body system. (I will do a post about mantras another time).

Question: “Um, so like, I don’t really get what you mean that we have ten bodies?”

In the Kundalini yogic tradition, we exercise and heal more than just the physical body.  The ten bodies are:

1. The Soul Body
2. Negative Mind
3. Positive Mind
4. Neutral Mind
5. Physical Body
6. Arcline
7. Aura
8. Pranic Body
9. Subtle Body
10. Radiant Body ).

(I will explain more about these bodies in another post.)

During a Kundalini yoga class, we work on all ten bodies at the same time. It is very different than other yoga classes that are sometimes more fitness based or for the physical body. If you are interested in learning more about the specifics of Kundalini yoga, I would recommend reading Guru Jagat’s fantastic book, Invincible Living. She is a well-known Kundalini yogi from California who is bringing Kundalini to the forefront today. Her book is well-written, informative and artistic, and she was even featured in Vogue magazine! Ooh la la!

For you techno-savvy peeps you can also check out Rama TV for kriyas (exercise sets) and Kundalini teaching online. https://rama-tv

I started Kundalini yoga six months ago and it has become a part of my daily meditation practice. It was love at first mantra. ❤️

I had been following one of my favorite yoga teachers (Sara Conner) on Instagram and noticed that she had been posting regularly about her Kundalini classes and I was curious. Not knowing what exactly it was, I arrived at the studio and took my seat on my mat beside a number of others who were not wearing the typical yoga outfit of stretchy Lululemon pants and a top. Everyone was wearing all white, sitting on sheepskins, and a couple of them had on white turbans. Crap! Did I not get the memo that we were supposed to wear all white? Sara reassured me that it was just fine that I was not wearing white, as it was a suggestion rather than a “have to.” Ok, I guess my navy blue yoga pants from Costco and my Serge Gainsbourg t-shirt would have to do!

Kundalini yoga was not like the other kinds of yoga I had done. We did a kriya set and it was tough! Each action we did for 1-3 minutes and some were very challenging. What amazed me most was how I felt after! Tingly! Electrified! Energized! I was charged up and at the same time amazingly clear and centered.

The following information is taken directly from the 3H0 Foundation, which has an excellent website for learning about Kundalini. https://www.3ho.org/

In Kundalini Yoga a kriya is a series of postures, breath, and sound that work toward a specific outcome. Practicing a kriya initiates a sequence of physical and mental changes that affect the body, mind, and spirit simultaneously. There are kriyas that support the liver, balance the glandular system, make you radiant, stimulate the pituitary, increase the flexibility of the spine, and many more. Each kriya has a different effect, but all work on all levels of your being.

Without going on and on, all I can say is please look for a class near you and try Kundalini yoga!!! Just once, at least! Then you can see what you think about it. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by how incredible you feel after!

What kind of yoga (if any) do you usually do?

Sat Nam and Wahe Guru! 🙏🏻

Gotta Have Faith

I wasn’t raised in an Ashram or a Hippie community. I did not grow up with parents doing yoga, meditating, smudging, using crystals, any of the things that you may associate with a New-Age state of being. (Well, we did have the Jesus Christ Super Star album so that might count a tiny bit toward making me the spiritual person that I am today.)

I didn’t grow up in a religious household either. Our family did not attend church, recite Scripture or pray before eating. There was no Crucifix hanging or Bible in the desk drawer. Despite this, I took myself to church as a young child (the First Church of Nazarene was close to our house) because I could feel the Spirit in the teachings and in the building.

I have always been in touch with the supernatural. I have always believed in and resonated with something bigger than myself; something powerful and universal. For years I called it God. I’ve also called it Spirit, the Universe, the Source, the Superconsciousness, the Überconsciousness (that one is especially fun to say and write), the Oneness, the Creator…you get the point. Star Wars fans would call it “The Force.” I will be using many of these different terms interchangeably. If one term rubs you the wrong way feel free to substitute another in its place.

The presence of Spirit is larger and more glorious than our human brains can truly contemplate on an intellectual level. Those of you who have experienced it know exactly what it feels like to be connected to that ultimate source of light and love.

I had moments of insecurity about this connection to Spirit as many around me did not have the same sensitivity or proclivity. Once in a while I would question whether or not it was simply a figment of my imagination. Of course, this is understandable. If Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy aren’t real, and I believed in them for a while, who is to say that God is real?

I always came to the same conclusion. I believed in a higher power simply because I felt the connection and I knew it was real. I could not really explain it to anyone who didn’t. How could I prove the existence of something to someone who does not believe that it exists? How could I explain the invisible presence and love that was dwelling in me and everywhere around me?

Many people continue to be deeply rooted in the idea that they need to “see it to believe it.” It can be easier for some to cling to a worldview as seen only through the lens of the five senses. It is understandable to question whether something exists that we can’t see, feel, smell, taste or touch.

When I taught in the Catholic school system, the conversation circled a lot around the concept of “faith”. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines faith as: a belief and trust in and loyalty to God, or a firm belief in something for which there is no proof.  I told my students that you just have to believe in God. I couldn’t prove it in the traditional sense.

I also taught them about Transubstantiation – that the wine at church was actually Jesus’ blood and the thin dry wafer was his body. (My grade one students were always particularly confused about this one-as much as some thought it would be cool to try wine they were not interested in eating Jesus’ body and drinking his blood-yuck!) I explained to them, “It is actually happening, you just can’t see it.“

I would talk to the students about what it means to feel God. I would share situations in which I felt that Spirit was supporting me and loving me. I asked them if they had ever felt that there was something larger than themselves (“yes, our dads!” – gotta love six year olds). Interestingly enough, many of the students completely understood what I was talking about.

There is something amazing about this concept. I was teaching the children to sense with more than their five senses. I was telling them that there are supernatural things that exist beyond the scope of their limited physical sensory-receptive abilities. Most seemed able to accept the premise that there are invisible, magical and miraculous things occurring that we cannot fully comprehend. They felt connected to Spirit in a way that went deeper than words could encapsulate.

 

How does your faith express itself? When do you feel most connected to Spirit, God, the Creator?

Spiritual Signs

So you’re becoming more Spiritual? Awesome! But what does that really mean?

Spirituality is a really difficult thing to define. It manifests in a myriad of ways as an extremely individualized and personal experience. Here are the top 20 signs you may be becoming more “spiritual”:

TOP 20 SIGNS YOU ARE BECOMING MORE “SPIRITUAL”

1. Meditation – You’ve started meditating and finding more space for mental quiet. You may even have downloaded the Insight Timer or another meditation app.
2. Mantras – Not only do you chant them, you find yourself listening to them on Spotify. You may even listen to White Sun on a regular basis.
3.  Astrology -You not only know your Zodiac “sign”, you might know that you have a “moon sign” and you might even know what it means when Mercury is in retrograde.
4. Numerology – You know your life path, destiny and karmic numbers, and what this actually means. You are stoked that 2018 is an 11 year.
5. Tarot – You do a Tarot spread (or Angel Cards, Medicine Wheel cards) for yourself or a friend “just for fun. You may even ask for a message of the day.
6. Animals – When an animal crosses your path you get excited and you search for what it could possibly symbolize. You may even have an animal totem.
7. Crystals – You find yourself buying more crystals and putting them around your house. You may even have jewelry with crystals in it.
8. Smudging – You have purchased a smudge stick (maybe sage, sweetgrass or Cedar) and you have smudged your home, office or yourself to purify and clean the energy or vibes.
9. Energy Work / Reiki – You may have taken Reiki training, had a Reiki session or gone to an energy healer. You believe in the power of hands-on healing techniques.
10. Yoga – You may be attending more yoga classes and you are starting to say Namaste a lot more outside of yoga classes. You may even do some Kundalini yoga.
11. Plant-Based – You may find that you are more interested in plant-based medicines or maybe consuming a more plant-based diet.
12. Sound Baths – You have attended a sound bath or you know what a crystal bowl or Tibetan bowl sounds like. You may even own one!
13. Incense – You are beginning to light incense a lot more often. You know what Nag Champa is.
14. Guru – You have a Guru and you may even have a picture of said Guru or a spiritual mentor on your altar.
15. Books – You read books about spiritual growth and enlightenment. You may have a book by Gabby Berenstein, Brené Brown, Danielle Laporte, Eckhart Tolle or Marianne Williamson.
16. Podcasts – You have subscribed to a more spiritual themed podcast like Oprah’s Supersoul Conversations or Luke Storey’s The Life Stylist.
17. Chakras – You know that the word is pronounced Chakras with a hard “ch” and you know the names and colours associated with each one. You may have even gone for a chakra balancing or clearing.
18. Pendulum – You have a pendulum and you’ve used it for divination, healing or answering questions.
19. Energy – You talk about energy and vibes a lot. You may be an “empath” or you’re extra sensitive and pick up on what others are feeling.
20. Intuition –  You listen for that inner voice to inform you in your daily life. You may make judgments or adjustments to plans based on your intuition.

Any of these sound familiar?

How does spirituality manifest in your life? Do you have any signs to add?

Now that you have a seat on the Spiritual train…here is a link to a hilarious video by JP Sears on “How to be Ultra Spiritual”.

Namaste ~

Spiritual Awakening

I believe in Spirits, aka ghosts. I grew up reading books on mystical topics like ghosts, UFO’s, the Pyramids, The Bermuda Triangle and Stonehenge. I was never 100% sure how legit the ghost stories were, until I met my first ghost when I was in grade 4.

My parents had just separated. It was a damn good thing too, because my mom really needed to get away from my controlling father. She left Red Deer with a carload of stuff and me, my older sister and my younger brother. 7 hours later we were in Grande Prairie, Alberta, getting settled at my grandparent’s house.

I was excited about attending a new school and I made new friends quickly, one of whom was named Denise (I do not remember her last name – if I did I’d look her up on social media). If you read this Denise you can corroborate my story.

Denise was always telling me about a ghost that she had at her house. Despite my eye rolling and doubtful looks, Denise explained repeatedly to me that her ghost was a man, and that he was friendly but annoying. She would often complain of getting little sleep because her ghost friend would pull off her sheets when she was sleeping, pester her and play pranks on her.

I, the complete skeptic, thought Denise was completely full of shit (yes, you read it right, THOUGHT) and I would pepper her stories with comments like “yeah, right” and “as if.”

I didn’t believe a word of it. Not even one measly little syllable. “Suuuuuurrrrreeeee Denise, he kept you up all night when all you wanted to do was sleep…”

I was the voice of reason. Ghosts were a bunch of hooey and I knew it.

I figured Denise was simply being ridiculous and telling these stories to get attention (although in hindsight I don’t think she really told anyone other than me).

After hearing countless stories of this phantom menace (tee hee) I challenged her (Denise if you ever end up reading this, I’m sorrythat I can’t remember your last name) to show me the ghost (with “show me the money!” conviction).

With creepy excitement, Denise invited me to her house so she could prove it. She lived in an older house close to the school we attended (the house had a little cupboard for the milkman to leave a bottle of milk by the door! Never had I seen anything like it. Of course, not that old when it comes down to it, but for my super shallow elementary school self it seemed really ancient).

We walked to her house at lunchtime, and I remember being really cocky and not at all afraid because I did not believe in ghosts. We entered through the back door. Her house was a typical bi-level – there were stairs leading up the kitchen and the main floor and stairs leading into the basement. The back door was creaky (you know, like in a Halloween sound effect way) and she told me to wait in the entrance while she went to look for the ghost.

She went downstairs, saying with conviction, and an over-the-shoulder glance, “he’s usually down here.” I don’t remember the intricacies of my reaction, but I’m pretty sure it resembled something like a tight-lipped smile and a hand on the hip. I thought it was hilarious how she was playing the whole thing. She opened the door to the basement and then another door to a room and said, “nope, he’s not in here.”

At this point I was expecting her to finally come clean. I was convinced that she would just admit she was lying or she would make up some other fib about the ghost being gone for the day.

I heard Denise’s distant voice say, “he’s not in here…, no not in here either…”

As I walked halfway down the wooden stairs to let her know that I was heading back to school, I heard her yell, with amused delight, “oh, here he is!”

And, as the word “is” left her mouth, I shit you not, I felt an ice-cold shockwave through my body. It was if something had penetrated my skin and traveled completely through me. It was freezing cold, it was nauseating, and it felt very volatile.

I burst into tears and ran from her house back to school, without ever looking back. When I got to the school grounds I was completely freaked out and hyper-ventilating. I felt like I was going to throw up. Denise wasn’t lying! I vowed to never return to her house.

I was so beyond petrified that I refused to talk about it with Denise, who was busy excusing his behavior and telling me that he was just mad because I didn’t believe in him. I told Denise with extreme conviction to never ever EVER speak to me about this ghost again, that I was never going to her house, and that I didn’t want to hear another word about it.

Poor Denise. I finally believed her and I was far too frightened to dialogue about it. I moved back to Red Deer at the end of that school year and never heard from Denise again. I never told anyone about this story until I was in High School, and even then it was an abridged version, as I did not want to acknowledge the existence of the entity for fear that it might somehow find me.

Wherever you are Denise, I’m sorry that I didn’t believe you. I hope that ghost eventually left you alone and let you get some sleep.

Have you even seen or felt a ghost? I’d love to hear about your experience!

Tabula Rasa

 

A blank page. Tabula rasa. When we come in we are like this.

Open, clear, trusting and wise.

We come in knowing so much, remembering it all, and then little by little it disappears. It doesn’t really disappear, of course. It simply gets bogged down and muddled and obscured somewhat because of our experiences and because of what we pick up from others.

We are made of the purest white light, but we lose this lightness somewhat as we grow on Earth. It is not our fault, this is how it is meant to be. We are in a dense place and we are working through the density, so our vibrations change in order to meet our surroundings. It is in coming back to ourselves, through our experiences that we rediscover and essentially remember who we are.

This soul or light identity stays the same over a number of lifetimes; it is the basis of our being. It is the fundamental truth that we resonate to and express in the deepest sense of our self.

It can be very difficult though to get back to this place of purity and ease. Like a piece of paper that has been crumbled and crushed, we open up but still show the lines and scars of our lessons. It doesn’t necessarily mean that they mark us forever, but they do remain there as life lessons throughout this human incarnation. Regardless of what trials we go through, we are still essentially this piece of paper, and we have not altered our essential make-up. We simply look different, we are layered with words, eraser marks, chicken scratches, folds, doodles, phone numbers and lines. How do we look through all these layers and marks to see the real behind the surface?

 

 

The Journey Begins

Thanks for joining me on this journey through the realms of creativity, spirituality, and self-exploration. I am a teacher, an artist, a mother, a Kundalini lover, a photographer, a writer, and many other things.

I’m malleable and changeable and I can’t find my crystal ball so I don’t know the future. 

I am a seeker, just like you. I want to connect to others and to a beautiful, more meaningful life, just like you. I want to transcend, just like you.

Currently, I’m off of teaching on disability (I’m waiting for a kidney transplant) and in the midst of writing my best-selling-novel (I’m pulling on the manifestation strings-hee). I look forward to meeting you and thanks for taking a moment to check out my work! All of the writing, art, photos, and images are mine all mine (stamp stamp no erasies). 

~xo Heide

I believe a leaf of grass is no less than the journey-work of the stars. — Walt Whitman