Simulacra

I’m shedding my skin –

like a Band-Aid pulled off

the pain is sharp, but short-lived.

 

Bits of ego on the floor –

layers of skin and experience

for the wind to blow and scatter.

 

A dry pile of remnants remain;

dusty old me’s to be swept away

under a carpet or into a corner.

 

I’m shedding my skin.

 

Sloughing off past habits,

collecting hair from the drain

to make a sculpture.

 

I keep an ear, an eye,

a piece of brain stem.

Teeth and bones

Stitched with sinew –

a simulacra of my self.

 

I resolve to remember.

To preserve in pictures –

recollections flattened

between pages,

preserved in a jar.

 

I’m shedding my skin.

 

But what’s underneath

is not fully ready.

Nerves are raw,

lungs, undersized,

gasping for air

and understanding.

 

I reach out –

but what once was my hand

is now a claw,

a talon –

a sharp tool for piercing.

I cannot hold hands

Or caress my lover’s chest.

 

I’m left with a lizard’s tongue,

split and uncertain,

flitting in and out,

discerning its surroundings.

 

My old covering sits alone

in a chair near the corner.

Empty eyeholes for gazing –

seeing nothing.

An empty shell.

 

What I once was,

or wasn’t,

cannot be pieced together

from skeletal suggestions.

 

Details are lacking –

Contours and movement,

the shape of the lips,

the twinkle in the eye.

the curve of the neck.

 

 

Formless and crawling,

I begin to grow a new outer casing –

a shell-like protection

for my neophyte softness.

 

All I can do is wait.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Gift of my Heart

The other day something miraculous and out-of-this-world beautiful happened to me. I want to share this profound experience with you, as it was a life-changing and extraordinary moment.

As some of you may know, I’m currently experiencing the final stages of kidney failure, and I’m waiting patiently for a kidney. Ok, some days I’m not that patient, but overall I think I’m doing pretty well. I don’t say this to garner sympathy or to go into a “woe is me” tirade. I’m simply stating what is happening in my life, and yes, it is affecting everything. Yes, it is a big deal. My kids and my husband have been dealing with zombie mom for the last while, and it’s gotten waaaaay worse over the last few months. I’m in bed much of the day, and I can say, with definite confidence, that I have recently beaten my previous marathon naptime record. I’ve been utterly exhausted – like a battery on its last legs. My “get up and go” has definitely “gone up and went.”

Being an optimistic and positive person, I’ve been keeping my mental state pretty upbeat (all things considered). I’ve accepted the fact (to the best of my ability) that I need to nap almost all day…every day.

Do I love experiencing this stage of life? Although I’ve been fortunate to have more time to spend with my children (before they move out – they are going to move out someday, right?) I’d say the cons are outweighing the pros at this point. I struggle against what my body wants and needs. I get frustrated with my limitations, and my incessant need to rest. I even have moments of feeling really angry with my body for not being able to keep up with everything that I want to do. I’m only 47, and I’m not ready to feel like I have one foot in the grave.

Desperately tired and drained, I went to acupuncture the other day in an attempt to relieve my constant headaches and back pain. I also hoped that it would, in some way, help me with my complete lack of energy. Laying on the table, I reflected on something that photographer and joy researcher Jesh de Rox said during an interview on my favorite podcast, The Creativity Habit, with Daphne Cohn. He had spoken about getting to know his body by talking to his heart.

So I decided to do exactly that. I said hello to my heart. It said nothing. I simply waited. I then asked how it was doing, and I waited again…for a response…a message, an image, a vision, a feeling…whatever.

The most amazing thing happened. I saw a picture of my heart, wrapped in a package with golden wrapping paper and a big red bow, stuck in a wooden crate. As though I was connecting with how my heart felt, I could sense that it was not unhappy in the gilded package in the crate. It liked being able to see through the slots between the wood pieces, and it felt cared for in the fancy “emballage.”

When that vision started to fade, I asked my heart what I could do for it. It took a moment, but then it showed me that it wanted to come out of the crate and that it wanted to be unwrapped. I visualized lifting the parcel out of the container, pulling the straight end of the red satin bow and opening up the delicate golden paper.

As soon as I began to pull at the paper, the brightest, most intense, golden light shot out from inside the package. Suddenly my entire being was flooded with this sublime golden light, with its warmth and love and strength. And, as I looked closer, at what was radiating this extraordinary light, I noticed my heart, made of a translucent diamond-like material (but it was soft) that was made of intensely bright and highly vibrational white light, and it was pulsating. I can still feel it right now, the incredible life and Divine “being-ness” that my heart possesses.

I got the message that although I valued and loved my heart, I’ve been keeping it locked up and imprisoned in the crate. Yes, I was keeping my heart safe in the crate, but I was also distancing myself from it and not allowing it to breathe and share its love and power. To really feel alive, I need to open it up and let its light shine out.

I felt immediately different. I left my treatment feeling awake, alive, and re-connected to a larger spark of Divinity. Interestingly enough, I did not nap at all that day or the next day! I feel reborn, as though my heart has given me a new beginning because I reached out and connected to it in a deep and authentic way.

What would your heart say to you? I will meet with my heart again, and speak with it, and hold it, and thank it. But mostly, I will listen.

Exploration

Learning to paint was such an eye-opening experience! I thought that I’d be so free and unencumbered, like an inspired artist in the flow simply emoting through the medium. I pictured myself in a black beret, in a big studio throwing paint around energetically. Or, like in the movies and t.v. shows, dancing around in a studio with big windows to cool music just grooving on my creative vibe. So fun! So free! Letting my wild inner self speak through the brushes!

Now for a wee dose of reality: I stared at that blank canvas for ages, totally unsure of how to start. I felt inadequate and insecure, and my first paintings were terrible. I had no skill set and no experience except for the art that I had done in elementary school. What did I want to make? What did I want to say through my work? I would hold the paintbrush above the canvas, frozen and unsure of where to begin. A barrage of questions pinballed around in my brain…Where should I start? What brush should I use? What color? Should I paint something abstract, or maybe a landscape?

I’ve gone to galleries for much of my adult life, and I loved looking at art. I knew what I liked, but I didn’t know what or how to paint. In my first few paintings, I tried to emulate a modern painting style that I admired – very geometric and simplistic. These were a complete bomb. So, to improve, I watched a few tutorials about acrylic painting, but I still didn’t know what I was doing. I’d always figured I’d just be really good at painting right away because I wanted to be.

In order to progress, I had to come to terms with the fact that I was a complete novice. I decided to have zero expectations. I had to distance myself from the desire for a particular outcome, and I also accepted that my paintings might suck for a while.

In The Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron wrote, “In order to recover as an artist, you must be willing to be a bad artist. Give yourself permission to be a beginner.”

And then, I just started to paint without thinking. I turned off my brain and simply started. I would paint some lines, some other lines, some shapes, some colors, some dots…whatever I intuitively felt like doing. I tried varying sizes of brushes and whatever colors inspired me in the moment.

Suddenly something shifted. I embraced being a beginner. I was ok with the realization that my paintings might be shitty for a while. I let go of my expectations, and I noticed a few things right away:

• I was completely present in the moment.

• It was meditative and relaxing.

• Whatever I was doing was ok, and I didn’t have to worry about making “mistakes.”

• I had to take a leap of faith each time that I painted – I had to simply let go and do the work.

• I felt like a little kid again- free and unencumbered.

• It was exciting because I never really knew what was going to be unveiled.

Each time I painted I had to step into the unknown. I had to take a leap of faith and simply let go and do the work. I began listening to each painting, and I allowed them to communicate with me as though each had its own personality and spirit. I would sense a painting stop at different points, and then I’d back off, look at it with squinty eyes, turn the canvas, close one eye, go closer, leave it for a while and come back. There are some paintings that I started months ago that I haven’t come back to. I’m getting perspective on them, and at some point, I’ll decide to add to what’s there or to paint over something, or change something else.

I wasn’t sure what to think of my paintings. I couldn’t tell if I even liked some of them, but I reminded myself that I wasn’t painting for a gallery. I didn’t have to be awesome. That was the magical part – when I allowed myself to simply open up and to express painting became a beautiful and liberating experience. Don’t get me wrong, there were moments of frustration when I really didn’t feel like the painting was working or looking great. For one of my first paintings (one of my favorites), I ended up throwing a bunch of watery green paint on it, as I wasn’t happy with how it was turning out. I’d basically given up on making it look like something, and in annoyance, I threw it on the floor and dumped the paint on it. Honestly, at this point, I didn’t care because I had assumed that I would probably end up just throwing it in the garbage. Magically, it was the addition of the green paint at the end that made it look fantastic!

This process of creating and trusting was really beneficial for me. It took me from being mostly a product person into more of a process-oriented person. When was the last time you did something without any expectations?

Denial

Dip your toe in the ink of expression.

Be not be afraid… the impression

you make

is not all you will take

from this free-writing sound,

this whirling dervish

of sanity unwound.

 

Nourish the remnants of the real.

Though a simulacrum,

what you feel in each moment

is but a crumb,

of the anguish and pain

of the dragon you’ve slain.

 

Your reflection remains

in  blood stains,

in fragments of mirror

under your bed.

They said

you can’t walk with shards in your feet. 

I repeat, have a seat.

 

The mess you’ve made,

is now worse since you stayed,

You should never have strayed.

Keep that canary in the cage,

encapsulate the rage,

don’t put it on the page.

 

Hold it on the tip of your tongue,

breathe it into the side of your lung.

Soak your will in silence,

deny the violence,

refute the truth,

and just smile in the photo booth.

 

 

 

 

 

A-Z Blogging Challenge

So today I signed up for a challenge/contest/ I hope it will be a fun thing – called the A-Z blogging challenge . The idea is to begin April 1st with a blog post that has something that starts with the letter A as a theme…Aardvarks? Alimony? Alumni? Apparently, I will need to put some thought into my themes.

April 2nd, the letter B, and on and on until the end of the month. Other than on Sundays (all participants will write on the first Sunday of the month though) I’ll be writing a post every day – so stay tuned for some “awesome” content (or some meandering posts about nothing in particular…we will see how I do!) I need to go back through my calendar now and make sure that my days correspond to the correct letters because initially, I included Sundays in the scheduling.

I’m excited about this challenge as I think it will force me a bit out of my box in terms of ideas and things to ponder. It will also be a fantastic way to motivate me to write every day! I’ve been writing regularly but this will really help to get me into the habit. I made a list yesterday while waiting (2 hours – gasp!) in the doctor’s office for my appointment. I really struggled with the letters H, O, I, K, Q, U, and X. Suggestions?

I’m looking forward to reading what other bloggers post! There are a lot of people joining in the challenge, and I’m sure to discover a few new cool blogs. Maybe it will even get me a few new followers (yes people, I’ll be very transparent and admit that I want more followers…Otherwise, I’d probably just be writing in a journal instead of on the Interweb…non?)

If you are interested in joining the A-Z experience, just click on the link above!

Also, if you have any topics specifically that you’d like to read about, leave me a comment!

 

 

Krazy for Kundalini

Kundalini yoga changed my life. For those of you who have never tried it, don’t expect it to be anything like a regular yoga class. You don’t have to be super bendy to do Kundalini yoga. You don’t have to be able to do headstands or handstands (oh I am so not skilled at inversions) or memorize the Sanskrit names of poses (Chaturanga Dandasana anyone?). You can be any age and have never gone to any other yoga class in your life, and you will be able to do Kundalini yoga. It meets you where you are at.

When I’m asked to describe Kundalini yoga I say it is a spiritual practice of energy management with chanting.

Ok, whoa?! Did you say chanting? Most people are really thrown off by the idea of chanting mantras, but it is one of the things I love the most about Kundalini. The mantras are beautiful and powerful expressions of sound current that facilitate the movement of energy flow in the body. The mantras connect us to something higher than ourselves and help us to expand and exercise our whole ten body system. (I will do a post about mantras another time).

Question: “Um, so like, I don’t really get what you mean that we have ten bodies?”

In the Kundalini yogic tradition, we exercise and heal more than just the physical body.  The ten bodies are:

1. The Soul Body
2. Negative Mind
3. Positive Mind
4. Neutral Mind
5. Physical Body
6. Arcline
7. Aura
8. Pranic Body
9. Subtle Body
10. Radiant Body ).

(I will explain more about these bodies in another post.)

During a Kundalini yoga class, we work on all ten bodies at the same time. It is very different than other yoga classes that are sometimes more fitness based or for the physical body. If you are interested in learning more about the specifics of Kundalini yoga, I would recommend reading Guru Jagat’s fantastic book, Invincible Living. She is a well-known Kundalini yogi from California who is bringing Kundalini to the forefront today. Her book is well-written, informative and artistic, and she was even featured in Vogue magazine! Ooh la la!

For you techno-savvy peeps you can also check out Rama TV for kriyas (exercise sets) and Kundalini teaching online. https://rama-tv

I started Kundalini yoga six months ago and it has become a part of my daily meditation practice. It was love at first mantra. ❤️

I had been following one of my favorite yoga teachers (Sara Conner) on Instagram and noticed that she had been posting regularly about her Kundalini classes and I was curious. Not knowing what exactly it was, I arrived at the studio and took my seat on my mat beside a number of others who were not wearing the typical yoga outfit of stretchy Lululemon pants and a top. Everyone was wearing all white, sitting on sheepskins, and a couple of them had on white turbans. Crap! Did I not get the memo that we were supposed to wear all white? Sara reassured me that it was just fine that I was not wearing white, as it was a suggestion rather than a “have to.” Ok, I guess my navy blue yoga pants from Costco and my Serge Gainsbourg t-shirt would have to do!

Kundalini yoga was not like the other kinds of yoga I had done. We did a kriya set and it was tough! Each action we did for 1-3 minutes and some were very challenging. What amazed me most was how I felt after! Tingly! Electrified! Energized! I was charged up and at the same time amazingly clear and centered.

The following information is taken directly from the 3H0 Foundation, which has an excellent website for learning about Kundalini. https://www.3ho.org/

In Kundalini Yoga a kriya is a series of postures, breath, and sound that work toward a specific outcome. Practicing a kriya initiates a sequence of physical and mental changes that affect the body, mind, and spirit simultaneously. There are kriyas that support the liver, balance the glandular system, make you radiant, stimulate the pituitary, increase the flexibility of the spine, and many more. Each kriya has a different effect, but all work on all levels of your being.

Without going on and on, all I can say is please look for a class near you and try Kundalini yoga!!! Just once, at least! Then you can see what you think about it. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by how incredible you feel after!

What kind of yoga (if any) do you usually do?

Sat Nam and Wahe Guru! 🙏🏻

Words That Move Me

I knew an older teacher who was amazing at remembering quotes. It was like he had a Rolodex in his brain (oh, I just aged myself there big-time) and I was in awe of how he could pull someone else’s words out of a hat like a rabbit whenever someone needed inspiration. This is not a skill I possess.

I used to have a leather-bound journal in which I wrote my favorite quotes, but due to the passage of time and various moves, it has become MIA. So this is my new virtual version of my “page des quotations” (to speak a little French-sounds fancier). The timeless wisdom is now also available for your perusal, whenever you need a little pick me up. I will keep adding as I come across new ones!

Do you have any favorite quotes? Feel free to put one in the comment section!

“Oh soul, you worry too much.
You have seen your own strength.
You have seen your own beauty.
You have seen your golden wings.
Of anything less, why do you worry?
You are in truth, the soul, of the soul, of the soul.” 
~ Mawlana Jalal-al-Din Rumi

“If we perceive Life with reverence and understood our evolutionary process, we would stand in awe at the experience of a physical Life and walk the Earth in a very deep sense of gratitude”.  ~Gary Zukav

“The Universe falls in love with worthy plans and most especially with festive and expansive ones.” ~Julia Cameron (The Artist’s Way)

“Whatever you think you can do or believe you can do, begin it.” ~Goethe

“Only the fool, whose mind is deluded by egotism considers himself to be the doer.” ~Bhagavad Gita

“Whenever you are creating beauty around you, you are restoring your own soul.” ~Alice Walker

Acceptance not Expectations

“Serenity comes when you trade expectations for acceptance.” According to the Internet, this is what Buddha said. That Buddha was a wise dude – if this is actually a quote from him (I never personally heard him say this, but it sounds very zen).

I’ve spent a large amount of my life not really enjoying it. For years my life felt like a never-ending repeating stream of days that contained problems or struggles. Sometimes there were more or fewer difficulties (picture a sliding scale ranging from complete devastation to a semblance of happiness), but they were never easy or particularly joyful.

There were moments of joy or happiness (same thing?) but the general overtone of my existence was that life was a lot of hard work and you just had to keep going until finally one day you died. (How’s that for depressing?)

Yup, that does sound rather morbid and I had a lot of deep-seated angst and sadness that was ever present. A lot of it had to do with me being disappointed because experiences in my life often did not meet my expectations. It’s not even that I had really high expectations!

When we look back over past moments or times in which we have been unhappy, we may see that the circumstances (or outcomes) themselves may not really have been so terrible, but we interpreted them as sucking big time because we had expected things to be different.

Case in point: One year for my birthday I told my husband that I wanted to have dinner at the Keg (which is the fanciest restaurant where I live) with a bunch of my friends. I had this picture in my mind of a lovely evening of wine and stimulating conversation, clinking glasses and laughter, wonderful memories made with those I love. Ok, I if I’m honest I also envisioned myself opening up small packages in cool wrapping paper or gift bags and being all delighted and thrilled with the thoughtful things that people had bought for me.

Side note: I ALSO NEVER WANT TO HAVE TO MAKE SUPPER ON MY BIRTHDAY

Maybe my husband stands up and makes a toast, I smile, my cheeks rosy and warm from a little too much vino (if it’s red I also probably have stained teeth), and maybe the restaurant staff comes out with a surprise dessert and sings me a cheesy birthday song. As we leave, the song “Oh What A Night” by the Four Seasons plays in my head (even though it’s about a hot night with a woman and not really relevant for this occasion)…getting the picture yet? I imagined (and also expected) a perfect night of memory making with a rectangular table full of friends and belly-filling food.

Two of my friends came. It was lovely, we had a nice dinner, we drank wine, clinked glasses and chatted about all sorts of topics. I had a wonderful time, and I so appreciated being able to spend time together. But (BIG BUT – there is a joke looming here but I’m not taking the bait) I was also sad because it was not what I had expected. I felt a bit let down because hardly anyone showed up. Ridiculous, I know, but suddenly I was feeling sorry for myself even though the evening had been wonderful.

So what did I learn? Appreciate what you have and don’t have expectations!

Sounds simple, right? I’ve had this lesson revisit me over and over and over in my life. I often make myself unhappy because of the thoughts that I have about an experience. When I focus more on all the things that DIDN’T HAPPEN instead of what did happen, I see my experiences through a lens of lack and dissatisfaction.

Instead, when I look at experiences with a grateful heart and positive thoughts, I don’t feel down in the dumps.

How about we stop the pendulum swing in the middle?

It is natural to have expectations, but how about we have expectations all the while being cognizant that they may not be met? That way, if they are not met, that’s not a big let down because we were mentally and emotionally prepared for it. We fall in love and accept the way things are instead of focusing on the way we had wanted them to be. Over the years I have definitely found that peace and happiness begin when expectations end. Thanks, Buddha, you hit the nail on the head with that one.

Have you had similar experiences with expectations? I’d love to hear from you!

 

 

Most Likely To Succeed

In High School, I was voted Most Likely To Succeed. I was a keener and a people pleaser so this kind of rocked my world at the time. I liked being acknowledged by my peers and I loved that they thought of me as competent, smart and bound for future success. Part of me had wished that I’d been voted “nicest eyes” or “most beautiful smile”, but I had always received more extrinsic validation for my brains rather than my looks. Yes, I knew how essentially unimportant and subjective this “title” was, but it still met my need for acceptance from those around me.

To be voted Most Likely To Succeed by my peers meant that they saw me as smart and capable, somebody who would break through boundaries and conquer challenges. True, I worked hard, I had a determined spirit, indomitable energy, and a positive approach to my life – all qualities that would help me to succeed in life.

But what exactly does it mean to be successful? There are so many ways to look at success, and this subjective term can have such a huge variety of definitions.

Monetary Success – someone who experiences monetary success may have a high paying job, financial security and is most likely able to buy what they want or need whenever they want or need it. This person probably has money in the bank or maybe even an offshore bank account with an undisclosed amount of green.

Material Success – someone who has material success has lots of stuff, and probably big-ticket items like a house, a car (maybe more than one and even a luxury brand car), lots of clothes (possibly a walk-in closet), maybe a pool, hot tub, sauna – this type of success definitely strolls hand-in-hand with monetary success.

Career Success – someone who experiences career success does their job well (in whatever field of work they may be in). This person probably gets a lot of positive feedback and perhaps even accolades for the quality of their work. Chances are that their job is one that impresses people at dinner parties and it may have taken a few years of university studies to acquire the needed skills. This person may also have a job that is surprising and innovative, one that others may not have considered.

Relationship Success – strongly committed to a partner (whatever the gender, who cares?) who adores you. The kind of relationship that others look at and want to emulate. No issues with trust, fidelity, abuse or inconsistency. Perhaps some tasteful PDA once in a while but you gauge when it’s appropriate and you don’t make others uncomfortable.

Health Success –  someone with success in the area of health is most likely fit and active. This person exercises regularly and does not have any major illnesses. He or she may even run marathons, rock climb or eat really clean.

Thinking of success then, in these terms would I deem myself successful? Yes, all except for the health part – as I’m currently on disability from my teaching job waiting for a kidney transplant. That, of course, was nothing that I could control as I was born with PCK (Polycystic Kidney Disease). I have also been divorced twice, so now that I am on my third marriage with an amazing husband I would say I’m experiencing more success in the area of relationships. I have a beautiful house, a cute little Jetta, a great reputation at work and I’m not lacking for anything that I need or want. All of this aside, however, I would say my life is successful because I am grateful for what I have and in a good space…and really, in my mind, those are the most important things in life.